Heather And I Are Splitting Up After 10 Wonderful Years

Heather And Phil

I mention my wife Heather here from time to time, and she certainly mentions me regularly on her website because I’m so involved with it.

So I think it’s fitting to let you guys know we’re splitting up after 10 years together, nearly 3 of those in marriage.

The good news is that so far, about 10 days since the decision was made, we’re still hoping to continue as distant friends and virtual business partners from our respective cities (wherever those may be).

We’re well aware that could change as our feelings and emotions change daily, but right now it feels like it might be possible.

We spent our last few days in Peru having a wonderful time just as old friends, and a couple of days back home dividing up our things, which was a nice time too.

We started working from home together about 3 1/2 years ago, and with spending so much time together working, our relationship has gradually been moving a little more towards a business relationship.

Not that I thought of her as just a friend, but I can see why she may feel that way. While we did do lots of fun things together, we also worked a lot, so it’s not been the most balanced lifestyle.

We’ve certainly loved each other very much and had great times, even throughout Peru, not to mention the fun we have running the websites together, but I’ll admit most of our conversations were about work.

I will say I’ve been thrilled with our relationship, and although it’s easy to take a person for granted after 10 years, I was still very proud to have her.

It was Heather who precipitated the split. It seems she hadn’t been quite as happy for awhile, but she didn’t know why. Then she says she just woke up one day and felt in her heart that the relationship was over.

It was a huge shock to me because I’d been happy with her and we’ve never had any real problems that I was aware of – we enjoy spending all that time together, we never fight, we have the same values and many of the same goals, etc. – so I would have liked a chance to work through whatever issues there might have been.

But Heather just wanted to move on, and I now feel good about that as I can see a positive side to this change, too.

It will be an interesting experience to live on my own for awhile. And while there aren’t too many women as wonderful as Heather in this world, there are bound to be some great matches for me. I hope she finds someone who is right for her.

It’s possible we’re in denial that a breakup could be this bearable, but so far it’s been okay. That being said, if you have any words of encouragement, I’d be thankful to have them posted below – it’s always nice to have support at a time like this (after that, you can read her post about the separation).

But I’m really looking forward to a future that may even end up more fantastic than the awesome life we’d already been living.

And I just thought I’d bring you into the loop because I feel a bond with many of you guys who leave great comments/questions and send such nice emails. I’m very grateful to have you.

Next Day Update

Thanks so much to everyone who left comments and sent emails. I’ve read them all multiple times and your support makes all of this much easier!

Rather than respond to each one, I’d like to address some of the main thoughts you guys had:

You two are making a mistake.
Maybe, I guess only time will tell. I would have liked to have worked on the relationship, but since that’s not an option, I had to decide how to handle it. I could be sad or angry and burn the bridge with Heather or I could try to maintain some form of friendship and focus on the positive side of this, the opportunity for a new beginning. I prefer the latter.

You should have sensed this coming.
Perhaps I should have (I guess I’m a typical male in that respect). And perhaps Heather should have sensed it coming too and let me know she wasn’t feeling happy (despite her wonderful video persona she’s actually not much of a talker, I gather a little atypical for a woman although I don’t really know if that’s true). But neither of us figured it out in time, so I have to move forward.

Maybe you just need some time apart to see that you are meant for each other.
Maybe that’s true, but I think we’re both moving in a more positive direction. But if that is the case, that’s cool. Or if we each find someone even better, that’s also fine. Really, as long as we both end up happy, that’s what’s important. If one of us finds someone else and the other doesn’t, well, that wouldn’t be very nice would it? Let’s hope I’d get the right side of that deal (just kidding).

It’s normal for a marriage to become more like a friendship, but it’s still worthwhile keeping.
I could see that, too. That’s not really something I can speak to because to me, our relationship was still more than a friendship.

The grass isn’t as green on the other side as you think it is.
I believe you. But in my case I’ve been let loose on that other side and I can either focus on the green grass or the weeds – I’m choosing the grass (okay, that’s a bad analogy on this website because I like weeds, too, but you get the point).

You should fight for her. She wants you to.
Several people said this. If I thought it were true I would have fought more than I did, but I just don’t see it. Heather knows I thought it was worth working on things, but it wasn’t an option for her, and I know her well enough to know she’s not hoping for a pursuit.

It will be difficult to keep the friendship going.
I can see that being the case, but I think it’s worthwhile to make an effort for now, right? If it fades out then so be it.

Maybe Heather has someone else.
Nope, she doesn’t. She’s extremely loyal that way – one of her many nice traits.

I hope that addresses the main things that came up, and thanks to everyone else for your encouraging words. It’s nice for me to be able to share this here.

Heather and I have moved to several cities over the last few years and we’ve been working so hard on our business that my social circle has dwindled, so your support is really very important to me.

Hopefully this separation will move me to seek a little more work-life balance and make more room for friends, but right now I feel very lucky to have you guys. 🙂

Day 20 Update

Just wanted to say thanks again to everyone for all of the comments. I didn’t respond individually but it’s been very helpful to read all of your thoughts which continue to roll in.

I’ll update here a little further down the road… UPDATE!

122 Comments

  1. Melissa on April 17, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    Dear Phil, I am sorry to hear this. It sounds like you both respect each other and have a positive attitude about the change. The bad stuff usually comes when resentment builds. Being honest with yourself and others helps keep the resentment from building. Best to you.

  2. Kristine on April 17, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    So sorry to hear your news Phil. Pick up the book called Breaking Apart by Bruce Fisher. It will get you through the tough times.

  3. H James on April 17, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    It’s not often that you run across really nice people on line, such as you and Heather. I’m praying for you both. May you come to know God’s will for your life.

  4. Betsy Winchester on April 17, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    Thank you for sharing such personal stuff about yourself…it makes you guys “real” in a not so real world. Much luck to you both are you embark on this new journey. We support both of you!

  5. Virginia on April 17, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    Sorry to hear that Phil. But keep on smiling please.

  6. caroline on April 17, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    Morning Phil!Love the work you do on this site. I was saddened to hear of your break up but you seem like a strong minded person and are taking it surprisingly well. Good for you. Keep up the good work and stay positive.

  7. Claudia on April 17, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    It’s so easy to become complacent and you and Heather are facing reality very bravely. All the best in this new phase of your life, Phil.

  8. JB on April 17, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    As some obscure Scot once said… ‘FREEDOM’Its a large pond… you’re invited to swimIts great to stay in touch, all the best.

  9. Jonathan on April 17, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    I had an amicable break up like that. It was hard to break out of the comfort of our relationship, but it turned out well. We are still friendly after 13 years and I was free to find the absolute best girl in the world for me. I hope it’s not too long before you find your perfect match. If I could offer a tip when meeting new potential mates. Be overwhelmingly honest about who you are, your downsides and feelings about relationships. It will save a lot of time.Best of luck with everything. And thanks for sharing.

  10. Bernice on April 17, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    Hi PhilKeep up the great work! Being able to still remain friends after a split is huge!! I wish you well and may you enter this new beginning of sorts with an open heart. Love your work! Thank you for sharing something so personal with your followers. God Bless:)

  11. Teri Flynn on April 17, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    Your honesty is a blessing, I have only just started with your website, three lessons in I think, but I want to add my best wishes for you in this new phase of your life.

  12. Mary Ponder on April 17, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    Good luck to you both. Thank you for sharing such a personal event. I wish you both well with your endeavors.

  13. Ben Gallegos on April 17, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Dear Phil,You are such a rarity in this world; your inner strength is definitely masked by your sweet spirit. We are very sorry to hear this news, but we are happy for you both in this mutual decision if that is what you want. We wish you both continued success and happiness.And we also truly hope you both find that which you seek, We pray for you both and especially pray that God continues to manifest Himself in your lives each day and that you know and seek His will for your lives without hesitation.Ben Gallegos & Fam.

  14. Marla on April 17, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    I wish the best for you and Heather. Good friends are a blessing. (and thank you for your website!)

  15. Johnny Marconi on April 17, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    As long as the love continues between people, it’s ok then. True, pure love is all that matters, ultimately, in All human affairs.”Love Is Never Having To Say: ‘Im Sorry’ ” ..

  16. jcl on April 17, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    Wow! What a sea change! It seems it is these totally unexpected seismic shifts that wake us up the most, opening up all our doors and windows to new air, breezes, howling gales and hurricanes. Then, if we can keep open wide our eyes and arms and welcome in all the unfamiliar, uncomfortable and often downright challenging feelings, thoughts, events and people, we find we have been on a demanding, apparently unasked-for journey which has been liberating, deepening, even exciting and taken us to marvellous lands we didn’t even guess existed: not even in our wildest dreams! Bon Voyage Fellow Traveller, May the Angels of Tenderness, Compassion and Courage illuminate your path!

    • Pa Chute on April 17, 2013 at 2:46 pm

      Great words – thanks for thatThots and prayers with Phil

  17. Sue on April 17, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    I’m sorry to hear this but best wishes to the both of you. You both are very well grounded and it’s refreshing to see two people respect each other so much. Thank you for sharing!

  18. Kendra morrigan on April 17, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    Wow! I am saddened to hear that you guys are breaking up but I am absolutely touched by your love and your honesty. Everything in life changes, just like the garden. Sometimes we want and/or need something else so we make room for the new. It’s all about growth, personal and otherwise. You are making room for other things to happen. Blessings on your journey. Sending you love. Who knows what amazing new opportunities are in store for you? May you walk in peace and happiness.

  19. Uncle Winkie on April 17, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    I’m touched that you reach out, that you allow yourself to seek what you need, and I’m equally touched by the kindness of your readers. I am going through a very similar situation after 15 years of marriage. It was difficult and sometimes confusing in the beginning, it was a difficult adjustment knowing where the new lines and boundaries were but it will slowly fall into place. I found things became much easier when I made a few ground rules for me to fall back on from time to time. These were, and still are, my rules:1. Start as you mean to proceed – be unfailingly authentic to yourself. 2. Be Kind.3. Don’t hurryI wish you comfort and peace of mind. All will be well.

  20. Harold Wong on April 17, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    We all need a little personal time from each other and I hope this is just what it is and that once both of you are recharged, will be together again.

  21. pMantis247 on April 17, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    I’ve been a widower, a divorcee, and now I am remarried for the third time (all before age 40). You’d think I know how to “do” marriage by now, right? WRONG!! I’ve learned, whether single or MARRIED,searching for spiritual fulfillment outside of Jesus Christ is like using chemicals and expecting organic results.

  22. Mary on April 17, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    Phil…I am very sad to hear your relationship is ending. You make such a good couple..I also am on her website quite often. Both of you enjoy helping people and the environment. I hope you can remain friends forever! With some people that bond will always be there regardless of what life might bring them in the future. Good luck to you both. Life is short so enjoy it whether you are alone or with the person you love. ….. Mary

  23. Dr Shemuel Israel on April 17, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    Thanks for sharing Phil. Whatever the reason is, it is so great that you both can break up and still be friends. It proves that you can love and respect one another without the possessiveness and neediness that characterizes many relationships. I’m more of the best for both of you.

    • Dr Shemuel Israel on April 17, 2013 at 2:57 pm

      That is, I’m wishing more of the best for both of you.

  24. D M on April 17, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    Hope this helps 🙂 “Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans” — John Lennon

  25. Connie Kuramoto on April 17, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    Hello Phil, I remember how my own marriage went from married to friends, and my kids just started to say, yes, we are still a family, we just live in separate houses now. We truly have developed a much deeper relationship then we had before, even though we were married for 20 years before becoming friends. Thanks for sharing your life with all. Sending hugs.

  26. D M on April 17, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    Please forgive me, that was not what I wanted to post :(Here is what I wanted to post:Knowing when to walk away, is WISDOM, Being able to, is COURAGE, Walking away with your head held high, is DIGNITY.I hope this helps!

  27. Anna on April 17, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    Hi Phil, I’ve been getting your newsletters for a while and always enjoy the information you provide. I haven’t commented on your posts before but I think this one is different. I want to encourage you that you’re not alone. My husband and I have had a few rough patches ourselves where we thought our marriage would surely end. I have to tell you, though, the only thing that has kept us together and working together is our faith in Jesus. I’m not sure what you believe in, but either way, relationships can be very complicated and messy. They can be hard and when the other person is heavily involved in their own endeavors, it can also be lonely. One thing that I’ve learned through so many failed relationships is that everyone comes with their own set of baggage and no relationship is perfect. The hope is to find someone who’s personality and interests closely resembles our own so we have a shared commonality, which I do believe you have with Heather. After finding that person, it’s about consistently making the effort to include them, to love them and to enjoy them in your life. Love always costs us something and in order to enjoy it, we must take the time to cultivate it. After 10 years, I believe that you and Heather have invested a lot into each other and in order to see a return on that investment, you both have to let go of the idea that divorce is an option. I know it may sound a bit rudimentary, but if you two are always focused on work, even setting aside a date night where the whole object is to put on your “love goggles” and focus all your attention on each other. And if that sounds silly, it is, but think of what the future may hold if you never seem to find another woman who makes you laugh, or enjoys your passions as much as Heather, she will always be your love that got away and no one will ever measure up. Consider how hurt will you feel if she never finds someone else willing to love her the way you can. To watch, as her friend, as she travels in and out of broken relationships because no one else knows her like you do, the beauty that is inside of her that only you, as her husband can see? I’m sorry this is a little long but this topic is such a sore spot with me. I pray that the Lord blesses you with eyes to see your wife as He sees her and to notice how graceful her qualities are, how you respect her passion for life and how adorable you think her little quirks are! Until papers are signed, it’s never too late to get your head in the game. And as for you, as a gardener, think about your marriage in terms of a soil that seems too far gone. Would you recommend someone move in order to escape the barren land? I hope not! 🙂 I hope that you would give them advice to start getting their soil back on track and tell them it will take some time, but if they stick with it and show consistent effort, they will eventually see a harvest! It’s all in how you look at things. Don’t let the idea of grass being greener on the other side fool you, she is your match!

  28. Katie on April 17, 2013 at 3:07 pm

    As much as I admire your bravery and resolution to do this right, I am sure you’re both hurting, ’cause that’s what growing feels like – it’s scary, and it hurts, as well as being exhilarating and eye-opening. So my words of wisdom are only to remember, when you’re feeling down, that those feelings won’t last forever. As tough and heartbreaking as they are at first, you continue to breath, to feel, and for me, it helps to look at it as though the time has already passed, and I’m thinking back on the events. In a year, this pain will subside. In a week, it will feel different from now. It is a comfort to know that, as you fall through the cracks of reason into the blues. I also think it was incredibly strong of Heather to be able to speak up and find an amicable way to change your relationship before it got bad, and of you to reflect on that and see it her way. Most of us just self-sabotage instead, but you’re teaching so many there are better ways.Sending some positive thoughts to both of you!

    • Katie on April 17, 2013 at 3:09 pm

      that should be continue to breathe, not breath… but you get the gist.

  29. Gardnermonk on April 17, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    The truth is always liberating. Love manifests in many ways within a relationship. Your honesty in making a clean change is just another indicator of your love and respect for each other.

  30. Dreena Burton on April 17, 2013 at 4:49 pm

    Phil, I was sorry to hear the news, and have been thinking of both of you. Hope you both soon heal your hearts and find new happiness in your futures and friendship.

  31. Shari Rightmer on April 17, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    I celebrate you both in the Highest. Obviously, you have both grown and learned together all you were meant too as married partners. However, you are both loving to each other and will now continue to grow and learn from each other in different ways. What a wonderful gift to yourselves and one another.

  32. Gary Reymond on April 17, 2013 at 4:59 pm

    To have had a mate that shares the the same passion is a considerable blessing, in my opinion. Keep Smiling.Husband Store, by AnonymousA store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may goto choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is adescription of how the store operates:You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!Thereare six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopperascends the flights The shopper may choose any item from a particularfloor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot goback down except to exit the building!So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the signon the door reads: Floor 1 – These men Have JobsShe is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.’That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.’Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.’Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help withHousework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixthfloor, where the sign reads:Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proofthat women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at theHusband Store.PLEASE NOTE:To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives storejust across the street.The first floor has wives that love sex.The second floor has wives that lovesex and have money and like beerThe third, fourth, fifth and sixthfloorshave never been visited.

  33. Ruth Goodhart on April 17, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    It is a rare couple who can remain best friends while going through a separation and divorce. Very sorry to hear the news, but I admire your maturity and positive attitude.

  34. Chrissie on April 17, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    Well done you two for recognising this and giving each other a chance to live your lives to your fullest potentials . If only more people will learn to let go!

  35. Tracey Moore on April 17, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    Wow. Its only been 10 days. It all looks great in ten days.Seems like you will manage it. But what you are saying here is that you did NOT KNOW for A LONG TIME that Heather was departing in her heart from you. Alternatively, perhaps she was trying to tell you but you were not listening and saw her “business as usual ” behavior as its not that important.That is common. The heart leaves beat by beat.Not all of a sudden.I am not sure whether your post is meant to tell us what a good guy you are and how reasonable you are and make you somehow affirm that ( and perhaps even show her that)or if it is a check to see if you will lose business as a result of your split.The reality is you haven’t really embarked on the real deal.A split means new partners who will form very different relationships and desires and points of view with your current spouse.. Maybe even contradict what you two believe or or thought the other person “was”.It can’t be packed away neatly.Finally there are trust issues between you that have not been discussed. OBVIOUSLY. You didn’t even know she was leaving! I recommend you sit down and embrace the more unpleasant feelings and potential outcomes. Manage them before they manage you. It may be painful but I assure you its much better than years of slow letting go and uncertain safety of your own emotional lives.I wish I could give you unicorns, but the world has dragons too. Thats what makes them unicorns so pretty!!!

  36. Carol J. on April 17, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    Hi Phil, I care about both you and Heather and hope you don’t go through too much pain with all of this… then find more joy and more love. Dang, I was hoping you guys would come out and stay with me in Hawaii for a month or so next winter. For now, big hug. Aloha

  37. Sharon on April 17, 2013 at 7:05 pm

    I think it’s a good thing to know when you need a change in life and are mature enough to be honest with each other and to also follow your heart. Maybe after enough time apart you will both see what you NEED TO SEE. The old saying comes to mind (If you love someone enough then you must also love enough to set them free) Good luck

  38. Darlene on April 17, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    I think you both are making a big mistake, but I am a old lady soon 60 yrs old. Any couple that is married for 10 yrs become more friends & things change, but that is not negative. If you do things Gods way he will bless your marriage & it will last. Just so you both know the grass is never greener on the other side so think twice before you throw your special marriage out the door..I should know I sure had enough experience 😀

    • Ken on April 17, 2013 at 9:03 pm

      I believe it was mostly Heathers choice to end the marriage and Phil is just being brave by letting her go, not an easy thing to do by any means.

      • Archimo on April 17, 2013 at 10:17 pm

        That is what she said but you should know women are not always totally logical. The female energy being unique from male energy is just erupting in a tumultuous irrational feelings of dissatisfaction. She is waiting for the Male to fight for her and value her like a jewel he wants to keep. How flat would you feel if there was hardly and protest and such understanding when a mate suddenly announced this one day. Likewise he should have sensed it way back. But men are not always intuitive and have less emotional needs but it varies of course. His basic needs were being met and he was pretty satisfied I guess.Forget all you leaned in school and the media about men and women being the same and serving the same roles in a relationship. Even gay couples usually have a complimenting role of each partners emotionally. Most of todays media and publications celebrate and point out these differences as ok.

    • Shannon on April 18, 2013 at 6:00 pm

      Hi Phil,I have been watching you guys for a couple of years at Heather’s site.Darlene’s got it. You guys have everything on the outside right. Everything in common. What is missing is not a new husband or wife. But a common experience of God as Life, He can be the deeper commonality. The spirit and soul are seperate. soulish things that we enjoy will still leave us with a lack. So you can fill your spirit with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus. When you do this, He can be a lasting satisfaction that you both can enjoy: this is my practical experience of being married with ups and (sometimes way) downs for 19 years. and another thing practically speaking Everyone Expresses and Recieves Human Love Somewhat Differently.I didn’t solve all our differences (my husband and I are very different) but it helped a book about different ways you can realize one anothers love that will get through to the other…The Five Love Languages Gift Edition: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (amazon: kindle version) ( maybe its sounds cheesy- and we don’t need that! ha: but its very helpful If You Want to Try. Please do not confuse kindness with passivity… Fight back with lots of love (and romance)!! (and What Anna Said!! 🙂 Much Grace and strength to you. It is starting to pour down rain here. May you be covered in God’s love pour out yours on Heather!

  39. Mel Rose on April 17, 2013 at 8:06 pm

    Living life out loud means exactly that, and you and Heather continue to do that with your divorce announcement. Your pronouncement of divorce sans animosity may be a new idea for many, but it seems that you both recognize that marriage/friendships/relationships are not for all time and eternity no matter what. You both are taking a new look at this and moving forward with your lives without the old and expected ways of handling divorce. Bravo and Brava. Of course you will have emotions about it. Of course you will have a lot of thoughts about it, and some may conflict and that is ok. What an interesting time and one filled with growth. Namaste.

  40. Ken on April 17, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    Phil….though I am still a fairly new subscriber to your youtube channel and over a year with Heather my heart breaks for you both. I am very glad however that you both are bieng very mature about the process which will help deal with the pain and sorrow that is sure to come (breaking up especially after 10 years in never an easy process). You are both in my prayers Phil. Thank you for being so honest and open with your subscribers we love your humanity.

  41. smylly on April 17, 2013 at 8:44 pm

    Hoping for the best during this difficult time.

    • Jan on April 21, 2013 at 8:13 pm

      Difficult for him, not for her though.

  42. Archimo on April 17, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    Maybe you got together too young and do need to spend some time apart. I would not rush into a divorce. Heather might have been feeling your ambivalence and in her fight or flight reaction – though subconscious- it is a way to test you to fight for her and make necessary changes or commitments to keep her. It is an equal partnership, but there is the male and female energy that composes a relationship. You have to assert at times the male image of strong protector when threat comes. This a threat to you loosing a great woman. I could also be an innate desire of hers to know how protective and loyal you would be in the future and how you would defend any future children. She may be feeling the desire for children as this is the natural purpose and outcome of marriage usually,Though you do need some time apart and maybe date others to realize what you mean to each other it defeats the commitment to your vows. Do it realizing that we do live in a storybook idealistic romance society that is unique in the history of humankind. The grass is also not always greener on the other side. For most of history people had to get married early to have children to help them make a living and survive. Now we have a choice and monotony can set in without purpose or ambivalence. Eventually you will get bored with the next spouse too, however. Children do give a reason to stay together. Many people think is so sad but really if the children were not there they would loose the romance all relationships have early on. They would be free to move on but the same pattern repeats. You can’t expect another person to make you happy but be happy as an independent person.I get the feeling you give the impression that you are fine with everything or rationalize it. Be glad you are young enough for a while to make these changes, but don’t wait too long if you want to have children.

  43. Gail Bujak on April 17, 2013 at 9:03 pm

    hello phil i really want to say Thankyou for sharing your story and intimacy of your life. i started to cry when i read your letter and felt my heart spliting open i found it really beautiful that you could honor the time together and as well acknowledge that it is time for a change. these changes are not easy but the way that you are handling things is beautiful and a great example to many. so many times relationships keep us in a trapped situation because we have done what we needed to do together and it is time to move on but many people are afraid or not honest enough with themselves to do what you are doing. Congratulation you both sound like amazing people Wish you both the best…. thankyou for sharing not only gardening tips but your heart… much appreciation gail

    • claire on April 22, 2013 at 12:22 pm

      Well said. Yeah!

  44. Chris Gee on April 17, 2013 at 9:44 pm

    Sounds like you guys are perfect for each other.It isnt greener pasture on the other side . I think you know what i mean.Good Luck!

  45. grandadknows on April 17, 2013 at 9:54 pm

    Hi PhilSorry to read your news. I wish you both well and am hopeful that you can both fill your hearts again. If you can feel the last ten years were a blessing, you cannot be too disappointed. Challenge is always around the corner, keep your head high (both of you) and more happiness will soon find you. Good luck, for the future. Andy.

  46. kj on April 17, 2013 at 10:04 pm

    PhilI was so sad to hear that such a sweet couple may be heading towards a split. Please realize that you will get many comments and advice and even bad advice; but I am sure you know we all appreciate you and Heather and admire all your hard work. Because you shared your intimate affairs I hope you will test all the advice you are given and then: Get out there and fight for her. If there is no one else in the picture for either of you then go fight for her. Women want to know that they are valued, that they are worth fighting for; that you care enough to even be foolish for her, that you notice enough to fight with her. Divorce is hard and terrible even if you think you can make it friendly. You two are one flesh in God’s eyes and he wants you two to work together to make it work because he loves you both and wants the best for you.You say she feels just like moving on, well then you missed the years where she was really hurt or mad and hid it from you. I know, she wants to go, but your the man, do the man thing; go out and hunt for what she needs, and bring home your woman no matter what it takes; (0Not being mean, but putting in the time and effort to win her back)! Don’t let her think that you are so easy going that you won’t even try to keep her. She already thinks she is not worth fighting for because you are being so nice about everything. God says, Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. This means that just as Christ died for the church “believers” so you should love her enough to give up your life for her. Does she know that you love her like this? Women want tender, kind, husbands who are mean as bears in protecting their own and keeping their own happy.Please Phil, it will be hard at first, but don’t give up, don’t fall into despair, just pray and find a way to show her that she is worth fighting for.I pray that you know that you can do all things through Christ who gives us strength.Sincerely,Kathy Jo

  47. Debbie on April 17, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    Only you and she can know what is right for both of you. I wish you all the very best, both of you. You will know in your heart if this is an ending or a beginning and what form it will take. You are the master of your ‘fate’.

  48. Cherie on April 17, 2013 at 10:32 pm

    Good on you both for having the courage to do it if you know it’s right..

  49. J on April 17, 2013 at 11:08 pm

    When someone ends a relationship they have normally thought about it for a long long time without you knowing it. They wind it down and you can’t see it’s happening. There heart has become somewhere else, or with someone else in some cases.

  50. Cynthia Bennekaa on April 17, 2013 at 11:43 pm

    May each of your orbits, whether together or apart, enlarge the circle of love! Peace, Cynthia

    • Les on April 21, 2013 at 8:12 pm

      Get real, she is busy showing him up – she decided to divorce when she had spent months and months looking at him, weighing him up as to whether she wanted him, and he didn’t even know what was going on in that subversive mind of hers.

  51. Gayle on April 18, 2013 at 12:43 am

    Phil: I’ve been through a few splits myself. It is a shocking experience and sometimes painful too. It’s good you are expressing your thoughts and feelings. It helped me to do the same to talk to friends and family. We are your friends here online 🙂 ((((BIG HUG FOR YOU AND HEATHER))))

  52. S L on April 18, 2013 at 12:59 am

    If I may suggest separating for a spell before making a final decision, before signing the divorce papers. You both may change your mind after some time apart.

  53. Caroline Reichard on April 18, 2013 at 1:03 am

    Phil, I wish you and Heather all the happiness you both deserve. It’s always sad when a marriage breaks up, but better things are just ahead for you. Thank you so much for all the videos you share with us. They help tremendously! You and Heather will be in my prayers. 🙂

  54. jonathan on April 18, 2013 at 1:57 am

    women. can’t live with ’em.. pass the beer nuts. -norm (circa the 1980’s cheers)*i’m sorry for the suffering.* =(praying for both of you.

  55. Roger on April 18, 2013 at 2:50 am

    Phil, I wrote to Heather “I want to scream ‘Don’t do it’ to you and Phil, but in that I have been divorced three times, I have no credibility.” While I may have no credibility I do have lot’s of experience. Upon years of exploration and reflection I find that no mater what I thought at the time, I had more than my share of the blame. Phil, be willing to fight for her. That means brutal honesty with yourself and your part in her decision. Don’t play into being diplomatic, focus your energy on repairing and reorganizing. That said, there is hope for the future. Do not be in a rush to establish a new relationship, take some time to live with yourself for a while. May God lead you both to the very place you should be. My thoughts are with you, as I am sure are the thoughts of so many that the two of you have touched.

  56. JFW on April 18, 2013 at 3:23 am

    Good luck to both of you. I have been married two times and understand the feelings involved it splinting up. You both need to realize that you did have a relationship and it was good at times. So respect each other and go on without any hard feeling. Both of you will find new relationships and move on to new friendships.

  57. Jaime K on April 18, 2013 at 3:44 am

    Phil, I never met you but I know the person Heather is and feel that you must have such a good and kind heart, too. Nothing but respect and love for both of you. New journeys are tricky at first, but teach us so much in the longrun… Sending warm thoughts to both of you on this new chapter <3

  58. Shannon on April 18, 2013 at 7:39 pm

    Thank you for the update. Thank you for being so open in such a public forum. I wish the best for you both.

  59. Anna on April 18, 2013 at 10:13 pm

    Phil, I noticed that a lot of people have touched on the same subject and you even addressed it in your update but I think you should put a little more thought into it. To make this clear, I’m going to give you my own testimony: I told you before that my husband and I have had a few rough patches but I didn’t tell you that we’ve only been married for 2 years and there were already a few times where I was ready to let go. We managed a 10 month deployment before we married, only to have him come home and (of all things) be addicted to video games! Apparently, it’s how he passed his time on deployment while being faithful but it was out of hand and I couldn’t get him to focus on “real life” with me. We even started going to counseling and that showed minimal progress. He was very passive about our relationship and said it wouldn’t bother him if we weren’t together. Trust me, that’s enough to make any woman hurt, angry and feeling like everything she’s invested in the relationship has been a total waste of time.When it got to the breaking point, our pastor gave a sermon about addictions one Sunday (I know it wasn’t a coincidence) and finally something clicked in my husband’s head. He truly believed that addiction was such a harsh word and only applied to obvious fixations. Video games are harmless, he thought, so there’s no way he could be addicted. It was like the scales fell off his eyes and he could finally see the destruction it was causing in his life. He asked the pastor to pray with him to break the addiction. He deleted all games from his computer and has been free for over a year now! Thank Jesus! 🙂 Of course, that wasn’t the end. After 11 years of service in the military, when it was time to renew his contract, they told my husband he wasn’t going to be able to stay in and keep the same occupation he’s had the entire time. So he left and has been struggling job-wise ever since. I’ve felt a great strain on the relationship because he’s got more money going out, with credit card debt and vehicle payments, than he has coming in. Leaving the rest of the bills up to me. It’s been hard. Plus, the fact that when he came home from work, he’d go straight to the office to waste the rest of his nights on the computer looking at tools he wanted (he’s a carpenter). If I tried to be affectionate, he would act like he could only hug or kiss me like he would his grandmother.Are you getting the picture? I felt like there was NO HOPE! I would grab my bible and go cry, begging God to let me out of this marriage. Of course, He’d lead me to places to read about *sticking it out in the tough times*, *greater blessings will come…* All the things I didn’t want to hear! I tried talking to my husband but the words fell on deaf ears. When his mother came to visit family 3 hours away, I went to stay with her. We prayed with passionate hearts for my husband and he called the next morning to say he had a dream about me and all he knew when he woke up was that he missed me. I know God sent His angels to answer the prayers of His saints. My husband was excited to come visit me on the weekends, he called with enthusiasm and wanted to talk to me. I thought I wanted a divorce before but when he started loving me back, I couldn’t imagine letting him go. He got involved in a bible study class with some guys he works with who are very passionate for God. They have been praying for our marriage and speaking to my husband about taking his role as the leader in our household. (Keep in mind, we don’t have kids. To most people, he’s not “obligated” to stay with me if he doesn’t feel like it.) But because of God, our marriage is being restored to His will and purpose He has planned for us. People keep telling you to fight for your wife. Don’t pass this advice off like you know her better than that. Had I let my husband’s passive attutide work on me when I wanted a divorce, we’d be done by now. I wanted him to take action, I wanted him to be IN the relationship, and to see me as a woman, not a roommate. I’m a very verbal person, so I said these things and he *still* didn’t hear me. But from what you said, your wife may be too shy to vocalize her wants and needs. She may be scared of the rejection if you didn’t feel like the marriage is worth working on. Or she may have already convinced herself that things will never change and the only way to ever be loved like a woman again is to move on. I remember, there were times when I would get so sick of feeling alone that I’d start having thoughts of what life could be like if I left. In a matter of minutes, I would convince myself that I would be better off by myself. Then, all it would take is something simple and I would snap right out of it. For no reason, he would blurt out, “I love you.” Or he would come find me and randomly give me a hug. All the tension washes away and all that’s left is us, and our marriage. Letting something so precious slip out of your fingers is a shame, especially if you have the ability to tighten your grip and nurture what you’ve been given. God has given you the ability to be her knight in shining armor. Accept Jesus into your life and ask Him to cleanse you. To wash away your sins and teach you to love your wife as He lived and died for you. I would suggest watching the movie Fireproof. It’s a christian movie about a woman who wants a divorce and the guy just goes along with it because he doesn’t feel like anything would change her mind. His father presents him with the Love Dare and as stubborn as he was about it, he started loving her with the little things in their life. She didn’t think his efforts were genuine so she rejected him at first, which made him want to give up but he kept going. Within a month’s time, everything had changed in the way he saw her and treated her. She no longer wanted a divorce, he was all she needed. My husband and I are still together after our ups and downs and just last night, he told me that he wanted to thank me for not giving up on him and for doing everything I do because he knows he’s lucky to have me. Right now, we are about to buy our first home and close in less than 2 weeks. Had I given into the divorce, I would have been robbed of a future with my wonderful husband and the kids we will someday have. Anything is possible with God!!

  60. James Mann on April 19, 2013 at 8:39 am

    Sorry to hear that that two of you are separating. I hope you can work together as friends.

  61. Angie on April 19, 2013 at 12:11 pm

    Phil, I learned about your site through Heather and through your videos, I can tell you are both wonderful people. You’ve both inspired me. Because of you, I am seriously considering a career change to become a gardener or at least as a serious hobby. I feel for you both and wish you nothing but the best. Keep your positive attitude and may you one day look back at this and see it was for the good.

  62. Sandi Wozniak on April 19, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    Hello Phil, I have not been a regular on-line follower but rather a long time family friend who has witnessed your growing up, your marriage and followed your interesting path by seeing you off and on at special family occasions and by visiting with your family etc. I admire your focus and dedication to making the world a better place. I am fascinated by the non-traditional path you have chosen. I am deeply saddened by your news and am so impressed by the many virtual friends who have left you very caring comments and advice. You commented on many areas/things that may have contributed to Heather’s need to separate- this shows great insight and understanding. I am not going to leave you any advice but rather let you know that I truly admire who you are and what you have accomplished in your life. You are a bright, compassionate, kind human being who has been given an unexpected detour in your life plan. This is an opportunity to reflect, learn and grow. I sincerely wish you and Heather the gift of compatibility and continued friendship. Take good care of yourself. Sandi W.

  63. incognito on April 19, 2013 at 5:03 pm

    Hi Phil. I am impressed by how brave you are handling the new situation. And by how brave Heather is to face her feelings. I am trapped in a relationship I cannot end due to a personal and economical situation and I really struggle with keeping up the mood. It is going on for 4 years without any hope. This really breaks you and you end up very depressive. Gardening is what is giving me a new reason to live and I am very glad there is people around sharing their knowledge like you. Keep it up and all the best for your new situation.

  64. J on April 19, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    I’ve just read your general replies, the nicest thing about you Phil is your humility and humbleness, never lose this, you are a beautiful person.

  65. tasson on April 20, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    Wishing you both the best and bravo for giving friendship a chance.

  66. Steph on April 20, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    Hi Phil,I’m a reader of Heather’s blog, though of course I feel I know you through it, too! — I just wanted to offer my support, and hopes that this journey brings many wonderful and enriching fruits. Maybe less words are what I wish to offer right now– really, I just want to express support to you and your life journey, whatever that is right now. That the ocean of thoughts, feelings and creations we explore in every moment holds so many wonders, variations and sometimes things that feel quite unexpected and mysterious… But I hope you really feel into what’s right and true for you at every step. I know it can feel tough at times… But I really hope you can feel into your power to create and experience even more amazing things. Here’s to nurturing yourself. Wishing you all the best, with love and supportive energy.

  67. Jan B on April 20, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    Phil, thank you for sharing. I’ve read both Heather’s and your posts and I wish you two nothing but the best. I’ll pray for strength and wisdom and grace for you both, and I’m glad to hear you’re doing ok.

  68. Anthony on April 20, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    Wow. I’m not saying this to be rude, only because you are asking for feedback. I’m a fan of your website as well as Heather’s.I think you are being way too nice in this situation. She woke up one day and realized it was over? I’m sorry to say, but she owe’s you way more than that. She should have communicated to you before this point that it wasn’t working for her, and given things a chance to be worked out. I understand that you want to look at the positive side of the situation, but the fact that you’re being so nice and going along with whatever she wants is just making it easier for her to throw it away.I understand that relationships sometimes end. But a marriage is a covenant, where you take vows before the Almighty. For one person to just wake up one day and decide they want something different is just plain wrong. If you don’t want this to end, you need to fight for her. If she’s not willing to be open to the possibility, don’t make it so easy for her. You can be friends later.

    • Chris on April 22, 2013 at 4:25 am

      I couldn’t agree with your more Anthony. However, to be more blunt, she certainly keeps her cards close to her chest, wouldn’t like a game of chess with her. Phil, people DON’T wake up one morning and decide it’s over, that’s being rather green isn’t it, she’s single minded and made her own decision ABOUT you, not for you both. You must have looked foolish on so so so many occasions when she knew it was over, all that time in Peru and she was looking you in the face and you was unaware. Deceitful for sure. You say she is loyal, get a grip Phil.

  69. Beth Wallace on April 20, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    Wishing you all that you wish for yourself, Phil….. I was in a similar situation 4 and a half years ago when my ex and I separated after 9 years together, and it sounds like it was a very similar situation…. Other people are so very often full of ”should” when they have no idea what your experience of life is like, or Heather’s, or the two of you together. Only both of you, as autonomous adults, know what you need and desire, and I have deep respect for anyone who can experience and express themselves authentically, irrespective of what others think – it’s your life, not theirs.Sending you much lovexxxxx

    • claire on April 22, 2013 at 12:19 pm

      I totally agree with this post. Well said.

  70. Jo-Ann Dion on April 20, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    I have been with my husband for 23 years since I was 14 and I am so proud of the both of you. You are already friends and you both are being respectful of each others feelings You are not talking bad about each other. The most difficult issue you will have is when one of you start seeing someone new the thing to remember STILL communicate your feelings and try and keep the new person OUT of your business until/if you become friends. Yes crazier things have happened. I have a talkative who

    • Jo-Ann Dion on April 20, 2013 at 2:59 pm

      Sorry cut off. I have a relative who goes on cruises with her x husband and his wife LOL

  71. Jnana on April 20, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    Chin up. Its okay to get angry. The breakup doesn’t have to be ‘nice’. You have to do justice to how you feel. Only then will you really be able to move on. Best of luck. You both are real solid people and are making a great contribution to the planet. May you both find your way forward in your path of happiness.

  72. Stefan on April 20, 2013 at 5:10 pm

    Hi Phil,It’s big to end a 10 year relationship and it will be hard some times, but it will turn out just fine.I really hope you and Heather will be able to stay good friends, after all you know each other very well after 10 years of living together. I wish both you and Heather all the best!!

  73. Ryan on April 20, 2013 at 6:26 pm

    Fuck.That.

  74. David on April 20, 2013 at 7:48 pm

    Phil I don’t know how you guys can do this online. You are so open and brave. I am convinced that one key to joy is openness. Perhaps another key is being authentic. Be sad; be angry; be you. As you are, you are good. You are early days. You mentioned denial and gratefully you’re looking on this is a real learning opportunity. As for how I feel, right now I feel love for you and for Heather

    • Fran on April 21, 2013 at 8:09 pm

      Heather cares for Heather and Heather only. She’s a user.

  75. Linda on April 20, 2013 at 10:49 pm

    I appreciate that you accept what things are at the moment despite what pain it may be causing. If it were not what is supposed to be happening, it would not be happening. You would not want her there if she did not want to be there. One step at a time.

  76. wondering on April 20, 2013 at 10:55 pm

    It seems as if Heather has talked you into seeing “the positive side of this.” It is a shame that people can walk away from a marriage so easily anymore.

    • Unknown on April 21, 2013 at 8:06 pm

      Yes, I agree, it is ridiculous to expect someone to see the positive side just because you want to move on yourself. She has degraded Phil. Talk about airing your dirty laundry in public, disgusting of her, and asking for the world to comment, this is sick, whatever it is Heather, it’s not love you have in your heart for Phil.

    • Nat on April 22, 2013 at 4:31 am

      Yes, and doesn’t he look weak minded “seeing the positive side” of something that is devastating. She must be laughing at you Phil. You are behaving like a poodle. She’s a nasty cunning person who doesn’t deserve to have the title wife or vegan, glad you didn’t give her a title of ‘mother’. I think you are fortunate to be let loose of such a queen of diamonds. There’s massive trust issues here. How sly do you get, she must have known six months ago it was on the rocks.

  77. Joanne Murray on April 20, 2013 at 11:07 pm

    Hi Phil,I just started receiving your gardening e-mails and was very surprised to hear about you possibly divorcing after 10 years. Usually businesses don’t air out their laundry in public but I admire your honesty and openness. I don’t know anything about Heather but you seem like a nice person. The photo of the two of you shows how happy you are together and not of two people looking to divorce. I will share that I will be 65 this year and will have been divorced for 10 years! I divorced for entirely different reasons…he cheated on me and was a compulsive liar, and a lot of other things. But although I am glad I got the divorce and for good reasons, I want you to know being alone has it’s good and bad points. I do enjoy my freedom, but do wish at times for a companion. There are many times I wish I had someone to do things with and to go to places with. If I go to a function where there are more couples I feel very out of place and head for the nearest exit shortly after arriving. I certainly never want another man like my husband was but it is lonely at times. I’m just wondering if what your wife really wanted was to be old fashioned “wooed” to. Although I may be a little old fashioned too she may have wished she was “wined and dined” at times. I don’t know how much you did this with her or even if you ever did, but I think most women like that sort of thing. Where the man gives the woman flowers and candy, or out to dinner, gifts, etc. Just something to make her feel she’s special. This was the way I was brought up and my parents were married almost 65 years before my father passed away in 2008. They loved each other very much and I always had wanted that kind of marriage but never had it. If you have been separated from Heather now for a few days you are probably starting to feel the loneliness already. Might I suggest you send her some beautiful roses with a gift card telling her you love her. It certainly won’t hurt to try to court her all over again, and if it doesn’t work out then you know you’d at least have given it your best shot. You might want to watch a few girly romance movies to see how the guy gets the girl, and see if she wants to watch them with you. It sounds like you are just going to give up and are living in a fantasy world of…she’s fine I’m fine so everything’s fine, but we’re getting divorced. Wake up and smell the coffee…she is divorcing you for a reason even if she told you there isn’t one. There is always a reason. She’s just trying to spare your feelings. If you really don’t want to get a divorce then work on trying to keep it together. And the best way is start communicating. Hope we all get to hear you are renewing your vows. Best of luck.

  78. Cheryl Hoff on April 20, 2013 at 11:15 pm

    “Single doesn’t have to mean lonely. Single simply means, I’m resting my heart until it’s ready to love again.”-unknownThere is somebody out there who will change your world…you just haven’t met them yet 🙂

  79. Barry on April 21, 2013 at 9:50 am

    If the last 10 years were so good then you would not have given up.. Or is it that she gave up on you? If a relationship does not work then you did not want it to work. Almost 90% of mirages break up because they lived together before getting married. In other words if you want a relation ship to work put 100% into it totally commit your self to it MOST of all stop taking each other for granted.

  80. C on April 21, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    I found it strange in the video 3 months ago when you filmed in snow together. You wanted to make videos together in 2013 but Heather said “perhaps, maybe, we’ll see”. She had made her mind up then. She said she has no regrets, very fickle indeed. You have been used and manipulated for the best 10 young years of your life, you have had a sell by date, she is moving on to pastures new and she knew all this when she stepped aboard the plane to go to Peru, I would feel totally humiliated given the fact she has shared all this with the world. And to say she has put you down Phil is totally cruel. Then in the same video she humiliated you and put you down by asking you how many subscribers you had, knowing she had so many more, and to top it all she can’t be beaten can she, she edited your book. Ah well, you will find a nice vegan next time Phil, you’re lucky to be on your way before any more of your confidence gets eroded. You are so gorgeous.

  81. Tina on April 21, 2013 at 6:35 pm

    She doesn’t look as if she gives a damn in her “I’ve ended this relationship” video, dressed up, lipstick on, earings, is this to impress her new man that she is getting rid of you Phil? You are a naive man, but Oh so nice, and you won’t have any trouble finding someone who loves you forever. Think about it Phil, the writing was on the wall a long time ago, she hid it, you didn’t have a clue did you, very sly vegan is she. Why make this public? Has she got someone else, she is an ambitious opportunist and you don’t fit in anymore. I would be so lucky if I had someone like you.

  82. Mel on April 21, 2013 at 6:44 pm

    The video to the world “I don’t want Phil anymore and this relationship isn’t even worth one chance” needs to be sent to a body language psychologist to ask why her eyes glance away from the camera at certain times. I’m sure you would get the truth out of the video then.

  83. Tim on April 21, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    she has rat like features

  84. Ben on April 21, 2013 at 9:50 pm

    Life logging is not cool

  85. saracmc on April 22, 2013 at 12:45 am

    PMantis247 (below) is absolutely right. Phil, I’m very, very sorry to hear that you and Heather are breaking up. I’ve come close to this point a couple of times during my 26 years of marriage, but I’ve found each time that getting things right with Jesus (LOTS of prayer) makes all the difference in the world. God is the source of love in this universe, and if ya’ll are in short supply, ask HIm for help. You’ll be amazed at the results…Bless you, your work, and the love in your life!

  86. S Henkel on April 22, 2013 at 2:42 am

    Phil, I am touched by your story and your openness. All I wish to say is that, coming to know you through your blog, I do care about how you are feeling. I wish you only the best. You made the first important step of connecting with your readers, asking for support … please embrace the well wishes, comforting thoughts … and the soil between your fingers. No better therapy than gardening. In the words of Helen Keller … “Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. It’s what sunflowers do”. Take care.

  87. Dave on April 22, 2013 at 4:36 am

    Leave her alone, she’s poison.

  88. Simon on April 22, 2013 at 4:39 am

    She thinks like a male.

  89. Kev on April 22, 2013 at 4:42 am

    She’s thrown the marriage away like an old sock!

  90. Jay on April 22, 2013 at 4:48 am

    You don’t know if she has someone else, you know NOTHING Phil, haven’t you realised that yet.

  91. jtobiasl on April 22, 2013 at 6:37 am

    because this just seems like a bolt out of the blue, it occurs to me that there is perhaps a communication void, in regards to feelings..? the mutual honest communication of underlying feelings, it seems this would reveal/might have revealed sooner what might cause her to drift in such a way. sharing/revealing emotions so you can try to understand them.. do you both understand what the underlying problems/feelings are? not to list them for us, but just a question for yourselves.. what are the problems? i guess that’s my impression. if you don’t know what the trouble is, it’s difficult to grow together. if it’s not growing, it’s dying, right? like plants. analagously, this would be a very stark low brix reading i think.. maybe some extensive high quality emergency soil testing & remediation is the thing? seperation is soo much like glyphosate.. =( c’mon, no glyphosate, please?? i know you guys hate the glyphosate.. =( <3whatever happens, i pray you both turn to God & Faith in Jesus Christ our Savior in these difficult times (speaking personally & generally). i believe that is the best chance you have for your relationship together & absolutely the only hope anyone has in this corrupted world.

  92. Dotno on April 22, 2013 at 10:17 am

    Very brave of you people to share such a private thing with the public. Despite not knowing you guys and the chemistry between you two, I thought I’d offer my two cents worth of principles on love and relationship just like all these other people here, only because some of the other comments are annoying me deeply.Everybody deserves a chance at the love that they dream of. If your wife can tell that you’re not her guy at such a young age, then you’re not her guy. If you truly thought she was the one meant for you, I’d say you’d be devastated right now. Since you’re not, and you’re going through a strangely calm and ‘happy’ split-up, I say she isn’t the one for you either.Figuring these things out maturely right now is much better than getting a violent divorce at age 55, when neither of you have much seductive capacity left.Those preachers of “God” and “Jesus”, those audacious mammals who BELIEVE they have the answer to the biggest question of humanity like “why we exist” and “how did we come into existence” should keep their bigotry to themselves. People should have the freedom to decide who to dedicate their life to without being threatened with eternal damnation, and persecution by invisible thought-police celestial dictators.

  93. vicki schroeder on April 22, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    Phil, I admire the gentleness of your spirit and the openness of your heart. May you continue to feel peace within.

  94. Qdonald on April 23, 2013 at 3:35 pm

    Don’t be surprised if you have two million new online crushes – from women AND men! You’re newly single with a killer smile -after all! 😉

  95. Brian Michael Shea on April 23, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    I’m really sorry and sad to hear that Phil. Although the endings of relationships is always hard, it’s good that you are taking it so well and you still have an amicable relationship with your wife.

  96. CathyG on April 23, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    Hi Phil,I’m sorry for you and Heather that things didn’t work out as you had originally intended. I will keep both of you in my thoughts and prayers. I offer no advice, but share my experience that after a difficult divorce I found an(other) incredibly wonderful partner to share my life with. Life is amazing — the trick (and sometimes this is very difficult) is to stay open to possibility, as you are clearly trying to do. You get to choose who you want to be, and it looks like your choice is: strong, kind, and loving. Well played. If you ever get to Washington, DC, shoot me an e-mail — I’d love to have you visit our farm in the beautiful Shenandoah valley of Virginia. All the best to both of you on this leg of your journey.

  97. Dina Caldwell on April 23, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    ARE YOU LISTENING?! PLEASE DO! I HAVE A LOT TO SAY! I haven’t been a long follower of Heather’s only because I recently found out about her. But since then, I was hooked! I loved her serenity in her videos and her soft spoken voice and her ease to cooking and ingenuity with recipes. I often wondered how could someone so young do nothing but eat, cook, and travel? I wanted that job!! Still do!!! I was more intrigued with the voice behind the camera – had to be her husband. I had never seen you, nor did I know you had your own website. Only bcuz in essence I was a newbie. I loved the silent interaction and understanding that you guys had for each other and fell in love with it. If there is one thing that I have learned from my share of relationships and life is that if you can push through the pain, you will begin to see that life happens FOR you, not TO you! There is a reason behind each and every hurt and it is your job to listen within a find the lesson that this is conveying to you. Trust in the universe that it is ONLY for your betterment and IT IS! I could feel the hurt and pain in your words and your earning for clarity. Most times people are used as tools for the universe to grow us. I have nothing against Heather for her actions. In fact, in this situation it is not about her for you and it is not about you for her. You both have something to gain and I applaud you for embracing and not fighting what was presented to you! Look at your areas that need to be fertilized (lol, so to speak). Perhaps you needed to be uprooted and moved. If things remained comfortable and your blessing was located someplace else, you wouldn’t be there to receive it. So, go into the unknown knowing that the sun is always shining, at times it is just obstructed from view by the clouds. If Heather was accepting comments, I would tell her the same, because it is true for all of us! I will pray for your strength, comfort and clarity!! Be confident! I welcome your response whether public or private.

  98. Michelle Mclain on April 24, 2013 at 3:24 am

    I am so sorry about your split it is never fun about that I was wondering I live in Lexington Ne and I was wondering what tree to put in the back yard. The people that lived in the house before me did not water the lawn so I have the stickers in the lawn and no grass so I love flowers and trees and bushes and roses but I need to figure what to do. Thanks again cmmclain@msn.com email address

  99. Tanya Tournavitis on April 24, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    hi, sorry i know this is late, been away for a while and only had a chance to catch up on my mail now… i’m so sorry to hear about whats happening… you seem to be handling it ok. you have a lot of fans out there…. everything happens for a reason, maybe your both meant to be friends, maybe your meeting was a leaping stone for the rest of your life. you are where you are because of the choices you made… some good and some bad but at the end of the day it makes us stronger. sorry i know we don’t know each other but i’d just like to say “chin up”… 😉

  100. Debra K. on April 24, 2013 at 5:45 pm

    Love is funny, sometimes it hurts and sometimes it is the best thing ever. But remember one thing, Both of you are still together in friendship

  101. lokimc on May 1, 2013 at 1:21 am

    phil, i am also truly sorry for your heart…people really don’t break up, they rip apart and it is so nuanced at times it seems fine…then the raw reality of it hits. it sounds as though you and heather both have integrity, love and respect for each other and this is important. no blame, no violent energy. pachamama will compost all heavy energy and transform it to useable energy…keep your thumbs in the dirt and may you feel the comfort of angel wings around you.

  102. Brenda on May 10, 2013 at 6:04 am

    Dear Phil, I am so sad to hear of your separation. : ( I just looked at the video of you and Heather making snow angels yesterday and thought how in love you both are. My husband commented on what a cute couple you are. I know this must be very hard for you. A friend of mine once told me when I was engaged, that in marriage, we sometimes fall out of love and need to fall back into love – to be committed to each other and work through the rough times. I have reflected on this many times in my 13 years of marriage. Your commitment to your wife is very admirable and I am confident that God will bless you greatly. May love and healing come to both of you.

  103. Tallulah Softsocks on May 15, 2013 at 11:39 am

    Just as one chapter ends, another begins. You can’t move backwards, you can either stay still or move forward. A rolling stone gathers no moss. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush….enough metaphors? OK. I wish you both the best of luck in your futures. Sometimes we have to lose people to understand ourselves. Read Paulo Coehlo books, they keep you happy. Veronika Decides to Die is a great one about transformations.

  104. J on May 18, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    I see Heather is being so so nice with everyone now, I don’t suppose she thinks people can see that she has lost some of her street credibility and wants to show people how nice she is. Doesn’t look like she is putting her pregnant friend down in her latest Tryptophan cookie video like she did Phil. What an absolute user she has turned out to be. Don’t think it is going un-noticed Heather how nice you are trying to be. The public aren’t that stupid. You can fool some of the people some of the time but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time Heather. Sort your personna out.

  105. Arika on June 5, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    I know I’m well behind, but Ive been reading through your blog over the last few weeks and just wanted to wish you the best of luck. Independent of any “what if’s”, “maybes”, and advice proposed by others, you will make any path you take work for you, and probably greener ;). I know from personal experience that there is life after divorce and it can in fact be a much better one even if it doesn’t immediately feel that way.

  106. Simran on September 5, 2013 at 6:46 am

    watch that movie, take this waltz, if you can, you’ll really relate to it and i’m responding to this 5 months too late and am sure you have found your ground or are headed that way for sure in your own way, but being a girl, i’d just say that girls want lots of excitement and wooing, well, not lots but a healthy amount of surprises and passion showing through, and romance. its rare to be really great friends and have a good working relationship, thats the difficult part. the easy part is taking the time to be a little romantic, cliches are great! going out and not even touching the topic of work or house errands but just talking and relaxing, thats definitely done consciously. but what happenned to you happens to people like all the time but its futile to give up for that cause what you shared together is what will get even more valuable as you age, sharing your youth, your work, you’ll be the best in old age together. i’m just saying what i think, i hope its not wrongly judgy of me of ur relationship. of course, you and heather are the only best judge of whats best, no one can really say anything. and well, this could happen in your/heather’s next and ur next and ur next relationship, cause when the novelty wears off, of things to talk about, and you know just too much about each other and you do everything together, so theres nothing more to discover about each other cause youre just growing together, and when you end up having to discuss too many house chores, errands etc. and since you were kinda working together, and maybe continually talking about work like early in the morning and before you sleep, well that happens in every relationship, you gotta make it work despite that, especially when the mundane starts to kick in because unless you dont learn to make it work despite that, it’ll happen in other relationships too eventually and you can’t go around looking for something different just cause, i don’t know how to put it. its too easy to let it go, its more difficult to really stick round and i think thats more worth it, i guess for me, but really being the best of friends is just such a gift cause u can have a good laugh and great time and you are attracted to one another and you work well, i mean does it get better than that…then its just about drawing the lines and not letting it all blur together into one constant curve, like not talking about work after 6 p.m. everyday, never talking about work before going to bed, or house errands even. keeping one day in the week to sit and sort out house running tasks n errands, one day in the week for going out as a couple in love, not as business partners are just good friends, i mean of course u cant stop being good freinds if ure great together, thats awesome. maybe you can keep it in mind for the next person you meet. i hope i made sense 😛 but watch that film anyway cause it’ll make u think and thats good, ciao

  107. applesauce on October 23, 2014 at 12:51 am

    My observation lately is that some women are messed up not to appreciate the men in their lives; I believe that they feel or think that the grass is greener on the other side. NOT. (I am a woman.)

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